I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
