If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
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