During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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