I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
