my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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