You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
