WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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