he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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