I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
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I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
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I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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