we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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