I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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