What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
A+ Viking dick
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
