Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
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