just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
She announced her abortion via fbk
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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