it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
