A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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