Betty ford says i'm here all night
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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