Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
