Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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