You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
