from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
