I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
