No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
