just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Couch. On fire.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
