just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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