So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
