I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
They took my balls.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
