I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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