I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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