I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
