I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
