I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
