I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I need moral support for this bender
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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