you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Can I color on your dick again?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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