I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
