The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
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my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
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I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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