If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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