Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Randomize
