On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
