Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
