if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
