the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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