I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I need moral support for this bender
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
