neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
