checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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