Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
We need a shit load of segways right now
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
