I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
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I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
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Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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