i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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