my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Couch. On fire.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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