4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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