He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
