dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
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There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
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I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize