it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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